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  • Writer's pictureKathleen Knapp

Unbidden Tears

Updated: Jun 28, 2022

As I walked through the doors of the hospital I started to cry.

I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t help it.

It was just a routine test for me, but the last time I walked in here was the day my son died.

All the grief and memories of that last night came back to me as I walked to the clinic room. Tears came unbidden. Sobs caught in my throat.

It felt like yesterday, instead of nine months ago.

I am certainly no stranger to hospitals. As a nurse, I worked in one for years and knew the hallways, protocols, and routines well.

Over many years of our son’s life, my husband and I attended countless tests, appointments, procedures, surgeries, and admissions with him.

But today was different.

Today was the first day I returned to the hospital since that day.

Today brought the grief fresh to my heart, mind, and spirit.

Today I felt his loss sharply.

While I waited for my appointment I opened my phone and read my daily devotion.

It was as if it was written just for me. How amazing that although the tears were unbidden to me, that God knew that on this day, at this moment - I would sit here and need these exact words to help comfort me in the midst of those tears.

“When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul” Psalm 94:19

I breathed a huge sigh. I relaxed a little and I wiped those unbidden tears.

I was reminded that I don’t have to carry my hurts alone.

When those burdens feel too much for me, I can cry out for God to lift my grief.

He will sit with me and share my sorrow.

The Holy Spirit can wrap me in a hug and caress my soul.

And, again I am reminded that it is okay to cry. To feel. To love. To grieve.

God will be with me in the pain. A relationship with Him means I can engage with Him and share the deep emotions in life.

Thank you, Lord that you love me and you care - more than I will ever know.

Are you hurting today? God loves you too. Very much. Cry out to Him and let Him share your burden too. “Cast all your care upon Him, for He cares for you” (NKJV) 1 Peter 5:7

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Jamie Hinton
Jamie Hinton
Apr 11, 2021

Another beautiful essay. Thank you so much for sharing your vulnerability with us. In that way, we can support you as well. <3 Jamie

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