In the small hours of the darkest night, I lie awake and replay all of the mistakes I’ve made in my life. I pour over things I’ve said that have hurt someone. I over analyze something I did, or neglected to do, to someone else. My biggest regrets are the mistakes that I made as a parent. Sometimes I find myself focusing all my attention on the things I did wrong. The times I screamed at my children. The times I ignored precious moments of their childhood in favour of my own comfort at the time. The times I lashed out in anger when I was tired or stressed. Who among us doesn’t have regrets? I regret actions taken in my careless youth before I knew better. Or, knowing better, I still did out of wild rebellion, without care for the consequences.
Thankfully, God loves me despite my mistakes - real or assumed. I am forgiven through Jesus and his death on the cross which covers me now, and when I will stand before the Lord of Heaven someday. But what about those I’ve hurt along the way? What about myself? Through the counselling of an amazing Christian woman, I am learning to make amends, to forgive myself, and to find peace. It isn’t easy to admit the things we have done wrong and ask someone for forgiveness. Sometimes I think it’s even harder to forgive ourselves for things we have done and said out of anger, fear, or selfishness. Lord, if only I could retract those hurtful words and erase the memories from the minds of myself and others.
God can do that. When Jesus died for me, he wiped the slate clean and forgave me. I can return to him anytime for forgiveness. But I need to learn to let go of the memories, to forgive myself, be willing to admit my errors, and ask forgiveness from others when I am confronted with the ugliness of my past mistakes.
God is the almighty healer of body, mind, spirit, and emotions IF we allow him to heal us and then focus on who He says we are in Him. I am a child of God, the daughter of the King. I am chosen, I am worthy, I am loved.
In Him I am strong, not weak. In Him I have peace, not turmoil. In Him I have hope, not regrets. In Him I have a future, not a past. In Him I am healed, not broken.
The next time I am awake at night and start going down the dark road of regret and shame, I need to focus instead on God and His goodness, His grace, His love, and His peace and remember that my hope and my future are in Him. He loves, He heals, and He forgives. I am flawed but I am also forgiven.